2011 Fashion Rues and Won'ts

I saw, like, 100 girls wearing this dress.

I'm not sure if I’m the only person who noticed this, but it seemed like the theme for New Years dresses in 2011 was spandex. I mean, I couldn’t get a 7 & 7 without bumping into a stick-thin girl in a sparkly black spandex one-shoulder or strapless dress wearing pointy high heels which looked like a cross between S & M attire and medieval weaponry. I guess if your outfit screams “rape me,” your shoes should at least offer some kind of self-defense protection. It could be that Old City Philadelphia was significantly inundated with tight dresses and 21-year old skinny bitches with big hair and shoes because it is, after all, in quite close proximity to New Jersey—the nation’s capital of big hair, tight dresses, and shoes which double as fetish artillery . Please let me explain, however, that I have no disdain for women who happen to be skinnier than myself and choose to wear tight-fitting clothing. In fact, many of these girls were so fucking hot, I would have felt them up had I had more to drink. I couldn’t help but say to my husband: “Have you ever been around this many hot girls all at once? Because I haven’t.” He has—but a Vegas strip club doesn’t count, I reminded him (mostly because no man can discern attractiveness if they’re staring at boobs—gay men being the exception). You can imagine that my NYE 2011 was kind of like a spin-off of Jersey Shore without a hefty portion of the steroids, hair gel, tanning lotion and (unfortunate) hot pants worn with Uggs. There also wasn’t enough fist-pumping for my taste, but I’ve resolved to overlook it.
          You may begin to wonder: what is the point of all this social commentary and disparaging remarks about the Garden State? The point, my friends, lies not under the tightly woven dress fibers of your average skinny Jersey guidette. No no. Instead, I have to point the finger at my curvy sisters who made the regrettable decision to hop onto the bandwagon and follow this season’s fashion trends: the tight (and I mean TIGHT) dress.

Ladies, ladies, ladies. (I shake my head)

I, being a curvy woman, purposely choose NOT to reveal the intimate nature of my body’s lines if I do not have to. I understand that in the 1950s, both Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe pulled off the body-hugging satin dress with elegance, poise and style. If you watch films like “Girl Can’t Help it” (1956) or “The Prince and the Showgirl” (1957), the camera captures both women in body-clinging material, curves in full glory; it seems that either woman shines in feminine grandeur even with the visibility of a slightly puffy midsection. That is not to say that by today’s standards, women cannot enjoy the same admiration for showing off their curvy figures. The difference, say, between the 1950s and today is that in the 50s they wore things like girdles, corselettes and controlettes. Today we wear either control top panty hose or Spanx. SKINNY GIRLS: typically wear underwear without the bother of pantyhose. Therefore, the problem I have with big girls trying to wear skinny girls’ clothes is the blatant disregard for proper undergarments.

The Corselette

Ladies, ladies, ladies. If there is a jiggle in your wiggle, put your wiggle in some GD Spanx. Trust me: you will look and feel so much better! I even thank myself when I remember to wear them. If you must be so bold as to resemble your trendy friends, then be bold enough to risk the elimination of panty lines. Repeat: Spanx GOOD. Bulging hip line: BAD.

Obviously, I am not attempting to pass judgment upon a group of individuals whom I cannot identify with. I am a curvy lady, so I choose to accentuate those hour-glass lines in positive ways: a dress that is slim through the waist, flowing on the bottom, shorter to make my (freakishly short) legs look longer—something that flatters the feminine camber of my body. When I look at myself in a mirror, the last dress I want to see is one which highlights the bumps, dimples, and bulges scattered about my silhouette. I'd like to also be clear that I'm not a woman who maintains a poor body image: I like who I am, and I'm working to improve my body's nature appearance every day (by going to the gym and eating right...most of the time). I prefer to draw the average on-looker’s eye to the sexy bend of my body rather than distract them by (what I consider) my physical imperfections.

And within the last section is the key: they are physical imperfections. I am by no means down-playing the infinite power of the individual’s BEST accessory:

Personality.

Unless your personality blows, it is, in fact, the one thing that makes you extraordinary, rare, distinctive, and valuable no matter how thin or full figured you happen to be. Most of the time, I perceive women (and men) for the way they carry themselves, the way they allow themselves to flow in and out of conversation, the sparkle of their smile. A bitchy woman in a tight dress is not as sexy as a vibrant and vivacious full-figured woman in jeans and a sweatshirt.

So ladies, despite the poor fashion judgment this past New Year's Eve, I grant you this one "bye" in the game of looking good. You don't have to buy a dress like all of your friends because you'd like to fit into the crowd. STAND OUT! Buy the dress that looks the best on you, that feels the best, that allows for you to let both your lovely figure and personality SHINE. And while the outer-self is most often what we see first, hold on tight to the beauty of your inner self--yes, even as tightly as spandex clings to your ass.